I’m Nailing My Anxiety to the Cross

Recently at Mass I was feeling more anxious than usual. While I was freaking out from my anxiety symptoms an image starkly came to me of Jesus dying on the cross. My anxiety paled in comparison.

Anxiety, as bad as it can get, could never be as bad as dying on a cross.

I saw images, with my spiritual eyes, flashing through my mind. The nails being driven into His hands. The excruciating pain. My anxiety, my anxiety, my anxiety……it was spinning all around. Pound, Pound, Pound, pound the nails. Blood gushing forth. It is difficult to describe in words, but it is etched in my memory.

I saw my anxiety being nailed to the cross. If only I could leave it there.

The problem with anxiety is that a person focuses inward, on themselves and the physical symptoms. Which, once you have them, are hard to ignore.

I must fix my eyes on HIM instead of myself.

I must surrender my entire life to Jesus. Moving from fear to surrender.

Until I get to the point where God alone is enough. This is not easy to do in our modern world with all our responsibilities and distractions.

One of my favorite prayers (also put to music) is by St. Ignatius of Loyola:

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,
My memory, my understanding
and my entire will.  
All I have and possess.
You have given all to me, now I return it.
Everything is yours, do with it what you will
Give me only your love and your grace,
that is enough for me.

St. Ignatius knew the mind is the battlefield. It concocts all kinds of schemes and scenarios.

One of my favorite lines of a beautiful song, called These Alone Are Enough by Jesuit, Dan Schutte, is: “Take my mind with all its plans and schemes”, which is based on the above prayer.

A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

I also find the last verse of that song particularly moving: “When the darkness falls on my final days, take the very breath that sang your praise.” This makes me weep and touches every bone in my body.

Another song using this beautiful prayer that I have loved since my teen years and played on guitar many times at Catholic Mass, is Take Lord, Receive also by a Jesuit, John Foley.

Funny how our lives come full circle and we don’t know it at the time, but I spent two years of college on a campus with Jesuits and now I find myself becoming more interested in Ignatian Spirituality many years later.

I have an extremely active mind and always say, “my mind is like a freeway.” I even have nightmares with city highways and all the layers and circles on top of each other, representing my racing thoughts.

Often when someone is talking I am already on the next 5 topics in my mind. THUS it makes sense that BEING ON A FREEWAY IS EXTREMELY UPSETTING FOR ME likened to DEATH.

My grandmother and mother had Alzheimer’s and it was torment to watch their minds leaving, turning into an empty “freeway”. Our mind and memories make us who we are. (On the other hand, an empty mind might end the freeway nightmare.)

But the mind is difficult to control, it grabs us and runs away with us. It pulls us into all kinds of places we don’t want to go, filling our minds with thoughts we don’t want to have.

This is when we must surrender our minds to Christ so we can take on His mind, not our imaginations.

And it’s not a one-time deal. It’s a constant struggle. We must keep praying, keep focusing on Jesus, keep surrendering because we are imperfect humans. We need God’s grace to help us.

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinth. 10:5)

So here I go, eyes fixed on Jesus. I surrender all. One second—one day—at a time.

And hopefully in the writing, will come the healing. Putting the thoughts into concrete form and sharing them to possibly help someone else with an anxious mind. And so I pray, Take Lord, receive, all I have and possess. Your grace is enough for me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinth. 12:9)